“Be careful how you play your cards when you have a queen in your hand”

queen of hearts

I know that what I want in life is not impossible. I see it every day. I see men posting appreciation photos of their girlfriend with the caption, “luckiest man in the world”. I see engagements occur every couple of months, when the man knows with 100% certainty he never wants anybody else. I see young married couples holding their children’s’ hands as they walk to the park. But in waiting for my happy ending, I am beginning to lose some hope.

I found a guy that I really fell in love with. I don’t fall often, but when I do, I fall hard. While I feel lucky to be able to love so strongly, it’s hard to fall without inevitably feeling some pain. I let myself be vulnerable with him. But trust me, it wasn’t easy. I remember crying as I looked at him, so overcome with gratitude and joy that it was almost sad. It almost didn’t feel meant for me. The feeling that I had wasn’t “luck”. Because luck is too stupid. Luck is too dumb. It was much more than luck. I felt more than lucky. It felt like being handed a million bucks, and when asked what you owe in return, the person says, “Just accept it”. While it seems like an easy enough request, it wasn’t. I struggled with accepting it. It felt so good, it almost hurt. It felt so right, it didn’t feel right. You spend so much time hoping that life gives you everything you’ve always wanted one day. But do you ever wonder what it feels like when that day actually comes? It’s the scariest thing you’ll ever come to know. You panic. You cry. You shake…for fear of losing it all unexpectedly. Or even expectedly. Anticipating the loss is almost worse. You want to feel relieved that you can finally revel in having what you’ve always wanted. But you simply can’t. It feels too good to be true. It feels like a sick joke from the universe that you hope never reaches the punch line. Because this punch line would hurt.

This should have been the red flag. The sweetness never should have also felt bitter. Looking back, perhaps this sick joke was intuition. Nothing more. I was the only one feeling overcome. I was the only one feeling this obscene amount of gratefulness for what the world had offered me…my so called million bucks. I was the only one struggling to accept this love. Why? Why? Why? I asked myself a million times. Did he not love me as much? Was I not as special to him, as he was to me? Was I a dime a dozen? Had he had greater loves before me? Was I a let-down? Did I not match up to his self-made construct of a future wife? Did he always know it wouldn’t be me?

Or maybe he just didn’t know a good thing when he had it. 

I’m not sure why things changed so unexpectedly, but I have to believe that it’s for my highest good. I guess the universe can take the reins on this one.

Despite it all, I know that my time will come. In my own mind, I am a queen. I will always be deserving. I will always be special, and valuable. I will always be enough. And one day, my king will appreciate his hand, and never let it go.

xx allie


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